Will they allow them to make love in our house

When parents find themselves between two lights – fear of losing the trust of their child and embarrassment before the awakening sexuality of the teenager – it is difficult for them to answer this question. A few tips that will help to make a balanced decision.

“You can, Anya will stay with us?”My seventeen -year -old son asked the other day. I did not notice how he became a man! This question found me by surprise. Serezhina friend is very sweet, and, in my opinion, they are in love with each other … But am I ready to hear how they make love a stone’s throw from my bedroom, and meet this girl on the threshold of the bathroom?”-thinks 45-year-old Valentine.

That evening she found some kind of excuse, but still does not know how to do next, is it worth telling her son about her doubts and a sense of awkwardness. Modern parents are more free in sexual than their fathers and mothers were once;They also maintain more close and trusting relationships with their teenage children. But when the child reports that he wants to make love in their house, it is difficult for them to make a decision – to allow or prohibit.

The meaning of the question

Most of the adolescents perceive their room as their own apartment: it seems to them quite natural (and convenient) that they can live their own life, which turns around parallel to the life of the family. Therefore, adolescents easily and without hesitation ask their parents permission to leave their chosen one or chosen one there to spend the night. But with all the directness of the question asked, their genuine motivation is more complicated than it seems at first glance.

“When adolescents take the first steps in love, they experience some fear,” explains the psychotherapist Alexander Shadura. – Asking their question, they seem to ask their parents permission to start a love life, they expect that they will approve their choice, support or, conversely, stop. Those who bring a girlfriend or friend without permission behave provocatively, but, in fact, want the same. At such moments, it is especially important that adults do not miss this desire, the need of dialogue, delicately expressed their attitude to the choice of a son or daughter, helped to see the situation from all sides ”.

The beginning of sexual life is always perceived as entering adulthood, as an irreversible stage on the path to separation from parents, as an important step towards their independence. The desire to make love in a parental house may also reflect the fear of parting with childhood.

The psychologist Beatrice Copper-Ruay is convinced of this: “Making love at home, in his children’s room, the teenager feels more confident, because he is safe here, he behaves as an adult, but unconsciously remains under the protection of his parents”. And this means that, allowing him this, parents involuntarily prevent the teenager from gaining great independence.

“Sexuality is not given to us on its own,” reminds the children’s psychotherapist Marseille Rufo, “it is achieved by effort, and this process is always associated with a feeling of individual freedom. So is it possible to win it under the parental roof?”

“In addition, the beginning of sexual life coincides with the most important period in the development of the personality of the teenager – the search for his individuality, the answer to the question“ Who I am?” – and includes many stages that precede sexual intercourse as such, – adds Alexander Shadura. “But parents often lack an understanding of the features of this moment.”.

Seeking to be modern, they forget about bashfulness and often behave like cave people! The 26-year-old Anna still recalls with shame how eight years ago the mother of her lover, along with the bag of Lollovs, laid the packaging of condoms on his night table.

The courage to refuse

Parents also have a hard time. Having agreed, they can begin to be tormented: whether they have been prematurely approved by the close relations of the “children”? Behind the simple “good night” uttered by lovers, they can hear a hint that the youth will not be at all calm at all ..

You should not deceive yourself: being in the same apartment with a young couple, we will willy-nilly try on the role of voyeurists. “I always forbade my children to have sex at home,” 52-year-old Eugene admits. -Love is something intimate, very personal, which does not stick to demonstrate. At their age, I tried to hide my novels from my parents and met with the boys when adults went to visit or left for the cottage on the weekend “.

Our experts support this position: it is necessary to observe the border between the sexual life of adolescents and their parents. Neither those nor the others should know what is happening in the neighboring bedroom.

“Parents do not need to follow the sexual life of children,”

Under en lille undersogelse, hvis resultater blev offentliggjort i “Journal of Evolutionary Psychology” (Journal of Evolutionary Psychology), interviewede forskerne 243 mand for at finde ud af, hvilket formal deres kvinder vil give mundtlige kartegn. Og det blev opdaget, at de fleste gar til det for at minimere risikoen for utroskab for partneren, der vedrorer det faktum, Denmark Apotek det ikke er helt seksuel tilfredshed.

says psychologist Daniel Kum. – Our right and obligation – to tell them about contraception, about the danger of AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases;It will be useful to recall the importance of a love feeling in sexual relations. But the sexual life of adolescents should develop outside the parental family – this is not even a moral norm, but the law of anthropology “.

Many of us understand that you should not turn the family house into a shelter of teenage love, support random ties. But still, most parents are difficult and clearly say “no”. They do not want to quarrel with the child, they are afraid to offend him, lose his love, seem old -fashioned ..

How to formulate a refusal so that it does not cause conflicts? “The simpler, the better,” says Alexander Shadura. – It must be explained to the children that you are at home and what they offer, puts you in an awkward position. Saying this, you do not condemn their sex life, but make it clear that you do not like it when it passes next to you. It is very important to clearly express what you feel “.

Yes, but with the condition

Some parents accept the young love of their children unconditionally. “Sex is a natural and healthy pleasure why I should deprive his daughter? -47-year-old faith is surprised. – And I think that if she makes love, then let it do it in good conditions “. “Good conditions” can be in the parental house, but only if parents consider it acceptable to accept friends or friends of the child, ”explains Alexander Shadura. If the apartment (or house) is large, the walls are thick and the personal space of each is well protected, then what is the prohibitions?

It is enough to determine some boundaries so that you do not sit on your neck: let, for example, make love at home from time to time, but not every day. It was this decision that 43-year-old Marina and 51-year-old Nikolai made this summer. “We spent a vacation in a spacious country house with our friends and their teenage children. Our son and his girlfriend simply dissolved among young people. But in the city we do not allow him to invite a girlfriend for the night, and they find other opportunities for meetings “.

“Each case is unique,” the family psychotherapist Serzh Ephesus recalls. – Some adolescents are quite harmonious at home, because in their family the boundaries between generations are clearly established, and psychological walls are quite strong. And others are useful so that parents do not hold them in a dependent position. At the same time, dads and mothers should not go against their own values and beliefs or force themselves to make concessions in order to preserve the love of children ”.

Sincerity and sequence – this is what adolescents most appreciate in the behavior of the elders. Even if it causes quarrels and reproaches. Nothing, in the end, prevents parents from time to time to leave for the weekend and leave an apartment at the disposal of a couple in love, where young people will feel completely free from parental supervision. It is this child psychotherapist Daniel Marselli calls “the correct dose of social hypocrisy”.

“Their refusal disappointed me”

Dmitry, 17 years old

My friend and I have been meeting for eight months, and my parents like her. I thought they realized that I was no longer a child. Three months ago I asked my mother if Christina can spend the night with us. She gasped: “In no case!”, As if I had an opportunity to ask about, and immediately began to explain that it was uncomfortable for them, that there was no need to rush events. I said that she was talking to me as a little, and she began to make excuses.

In my opinion, mom just does not want to notice that I have grown. I don’t invite Christina home anymore – at least everything is clear with it. After this story, I moved somewhat from my parents. It seems that I thought too well about them – I thought they were always ready to understand me and support me. But in fact, they were not so flexible “.

“My mother used this to control my life”

Anna, 46 years old

I was always allowed to invite the boys home with whom I had novels. In my youth, I was delighted with this possibility, and all my girlfriends envied me. And later I realized that such permissiveness allowed my mother to control my personal life and even interfere in her: once I found her for tea with my ex -friend, whom I had already ceased to meet! She never managed to take a clear and responsible parental position. And even now, when my son’s girlfriend remains to spend the night in our country house and I stretched her bed separately, in her free room, my mother calls me a mud. But I am sure that a strong couple cannot work out in front of their own parents “.